my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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