i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
