I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
