I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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