I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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