White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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