You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
