I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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