If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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