Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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