apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
