I bet he comes in French.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
