Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
