areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
