He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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