I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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