Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
