your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
