Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
