dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
