Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
