I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
