My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Of course I have a pirate flag
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
