I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
