you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
