she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
