I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
