There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
