She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
