quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
