please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
