I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
drinking out of a sandbucket again
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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