she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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