forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
