The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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