Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
