He had one of those small greek statue penises
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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