Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
