im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
