good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
whose ass print is on the piano?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
