Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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