walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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