You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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