Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
