My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
