My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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