it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
