I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
