I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
