you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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