Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
